As Tonya’s World Turns

OCTOBER 10,2008

This has been an extremely craaazzzy year for me. Had every intention to keep my blog updated with the daily comings and goings. However, I’ve found myself exhausted from all of it and not in the proper mindset to share in the blog. Since work has slowed, I’ve decided to spend the lunchbreak updating the daily chronicles of my lifely woes.

After my step-father’s heart attack this summer, we spent several days doing the family scene. Thankfully, he has had a speedy recovery. I’ve been involved with Treyton’s summer and fall league football. Needless to say, we have spent several hours devoted to the sport. Treyton’s summer league won the championship. Sorry to say…that his fall league team has not won a game all season. Hopefully, they can at least score a touchdown before the season ends next week. My summer was a whirlwind that has swiftly run into a repeat for the fall season as well. My step-mother passed away on Monday (my grandfather’s birthday). I spent last week dealing with funeral arrangements and my father’s grief.

Aside from the daily chores, being a taxi service for my son, working an 8-5 job and keeping my head above water—-things are just peachy. Can you detect sarcasm? Don’t get me wrong, I really do love my life and would not want to change a thing. I’m the type of person that needs to be involved in craziness. If my life was normal, it would seriously make me go bonkers. Although, some would say that I’m already bonkers. I still feel that there is a tinge of sanity that I’ve kept stored for a rainy day.

The woman has weighed on my mind like a ton of bricks today. Since I’ve been taking chantix to kick the smoking habit, I’ve had vivid dreams that are so life-like. I woke up thinking about this bizarre woman and hopefully I’ll put her to rest after typing about her.

Old Lady Arnold was a peculiar creature that lived in our neighborhood. She was a german grau that walked the streets at night packing a revolver. Often seen jetting through the night, wearing nothing but an army jacket. The woman would sleep all day and prowl in the evening. In the summer, you’d find her pushing her lawnmower sporting a tiger-striped bathing suit, her head wrapped in a turben, wearing cowboy boots that didn’t fit her feet properly. She would make strange hissing noises as you walked or rode past her while she was outdoors. No one was allowed on her property and she posted signs stating the fact.

As a child, I remember waking to her peering through my window. She had the coldest, blackest eyes that I’ve ever peered into. As she smiled, I screamed bloody murder. I’ve always had a set of lungs on me and my parents come running to my bedroom. My dad sporting his tighty whities went barrelling outside after telling him about my peeping tom experience. She was long gone by the time that he approached the outdoors. I had nightmares for weeks and pleaded with my parents to let me sleep with them or vice versa. Fortunately, I was able to sneak into my older sister’s room and sleep with her. Finally, my mother had gotten some curtains for my window that were not sheer. I slept uneasy for several months, but eventually, I forgot about Old Lady Arnold’s nightly appearance.

My father tried to catch her in the act by setting up a booby trap for her behind our house. He strung rope and cans all over our backyard. Unfortunately, he captured himself one evening. A dog was curious with the ghastly sight and the cans sounded off. My dad raced outside and entangled himself as well. My mother pitched a fit and the booby trap sadly came down.

Our last encounter with the woman was when she walked into my mother’s work and threatened her about our family dog, Jiggers. She confronted my mom that our dog was pooping in her yard and she was not going to stand for it. My mom asked her how she knew it was our dog’s poop….was she a poop inspector? Old Lady Arnold and mom exchanged some barbs and the old lady left in a huff. Needless to say, you are never going to argue with my mother and win. A few days after the encounter, Jiggers went missing. We all assumed that “she” was responsible for our missing dog. I pleaded for my parents to confront her. My mom said that the more you stir a turd, the more it stinks. She said that if she was responsible, she would never openly admit to it. It was one of the saddest moments in my life. Our first dog gone without a trace. My neighbor buddy, Trent, and I played Sherlock Holmes. We snooped every evening after school, as we hid in the field behind her yard and spied on her every move. When all hope was lost in ever seeing my dog, Jiggers again……alas!!! Jiggers came back from who knows where one evening. It was one of the best moments in my life. I couldn’t even begin to explain how much I loved that dog. Our family was ecstatic about Jigger’s return. In the back of my mind, I wondered if the old german grau was responsible for his mysterious departure and return. Who knows??? I just know that this was a creepy woman that taunted my childhood. Why do I still think of her today? Thanks to the chantex and the realistic dreams that brought her memory to me today. Hopefully, the memories of Old Lady Arnold will be put to rest with the closure of this blog.

Changed the background to a scenery that I despise. What was the purpose? Perhaps, I needed a reminder that there is actual beauty in leaves. No one would know this from looking at the trees in my yard. My trees have been “neutered” as one of my previous neighbors would relate to my tree trimming. Shelby would always tell me that I would never find a suitable man due to my castration methods involving the outdoor pruning. She said that a man would take one look at my trees and bushes—-they’d take off running for fear that I’d butcher them with the clippers. Maybe, there is some truth in that…ha.

Informed Missy of my change in blog scenery. She instantly asked what I had changed it to and I replied, “Fall leaves.” Knowing me so well, she asked why I changed it to something that I did not like. I let her know that I was trying to go with the season and needed some sort of change. Missy knows me so well when it comes to my discontentment for leaves. I made her promise that when I died…she would make sure that she’d take a leaf blower to my graveside. Either they are distracting due to the loud scrunching noises or they are stuck to the bottom of your shoe due to the dampness. If there was a leaf phobia—-I guess that I’d have to admit to having it. They absolutely annoy the heck out of me when they are flying around loosely on the ground. I prefer that they remain attached to their limbs (all year long).

Where to begin? I’ve been mulling over the past loves of my life. Wondering if I’d allow myself to be that vulnerable again–being able to fall in love again. Recently, I’ve been told that I’m a difficult person to love. My ex informed me that he didn’t give us a chance. He confronted me with his feelings which left me dumb-founded. From past experience, I refuse to go back and revisit the pain. My first love; however, I welcomed the chance to try the ” us” again. What made me want him back when we miserably failed one another? What made him worth a second chance? I guess it may have been the lack of maturity and being in-experienced with life that allowed myself to be humiliated by him. We were not right for each other, but I do still think of him and wonder to myself…what if???
I dusted myself off from that experience and jumped into a disaster from the get-go….wedding plans with Terry. It was like a soap opera experience….meeting each other in a crowded room and our eyes locking into one another. I didn’t hold anything back from him. He knew me inside and out. We were the best of friends and shared everything. He screwed up by bringing a stripper back from the bachelor party. He shattered my heart into a thousand pieces. I vowed that I would never allow myself to be hurt like that again. The real kicker is that he actually ended up marrying the stripper. Later, he let me know that he married her because he wanted to upset me. It was more like humiliate me. He apologized and let me know that he would always care for me. WHOOPIE!!! It really burned my hide to know that he could just screw with my life like that. Thankfully, I moved away and we no longer correspond. I longed for a clean slate after that lovely experience.

Stupid me, jump head first into a relationship that spelled D-I-S-A-S-T-E-R from the beginning. I fall for a guy that called me a “bitch” when he first met me. How idiotic can I be? He was everything that I didn’t like in a person….egotistical, cocky, etc… He was special to me. We shared so much of ourselves. My family and friends didn’t approve…that should have been the first clue that we were doomed and didn’t have a chance. He was younger than me and I’ve never been attracted to anyone that was younger than myself. We brought out the demons in on another. Now, that we are older and ten years down the line….I actually enjoy our conversations. I’ve truly missed our heartfelt talks. Don’t get me wrong, I would not and could not go back to that scenario. I guess I’m linked to him due to having a child with him. We will always be linked together because of Treyton. What makes him different from anyone else? The bond of sharing a child together? I just know that I don’t want to set myself up for future heart ache in the future. Can I allow myself to be involved with someone new? It is a huge risk and judging from my past track record…….I should remain single. I don’t want to be old and alone, but I definitely don’t want to continue down the same path of heartbreak. I am not much of a relationship person. However, I do want to love so bad that it hurts. I want the butterflies and heart skips. I want it all, but I’m not willing to set myself up for failure. I’d rather be alone than hurt like that again. Call me a coward or chicken. I’d rather be accepted as those compared to that of a repeat ninny who fails miserably in the relationship department.

Since my grandfather has been hospitalized, I have found no extra time to write a post.  I chose to lose myself in typing a blog post this evening. 

It is difficult to watch someone that you love suffering.  One never realizes what an impact that a grandparent can leave upon one’s life.  Over the past few weeks, I have truly been able to see how my grandfather has made an impact on my life.  During my 36 years of life, never have I heard the words, “I love you,” leave my grandfather’s lips.  However, I did hear those words for the first time  in my life, a few days ago.  I shared the treasured moment with my father and his response was that he had never been told, “I love you” from my grandfather as well.  My father explained that he always told us (daughters) that he loved us, due to the fact that he wasn’t told as a child or an adult.  My grandmother was totally opposite in declaring her love to all of us.  Never did I leave their house or end a phone conversation with her without the “I love you” trailing behind.  I know that it is difficult for some to express their love as opposed to others.  I don’t take the words, “I love you” lightly.  With my family, it is easy to say the words and truly mean them from the bottom of my heart.  I don’t know whether it is the age generation or whether my grandfather’s parents didn’t tell him that they loved him.  For whatever reason, I had no idea that it bugged me until he told me that he loved me for the first time.  So many times have I left with kissing his forehead and telling him that I loved him …receiving silence or some mumbled words to follow.  To hear the words, “I love you” returned felt like pure magic to my ears.  Dumbfounded at first, then I felt my heart softening.  Not knowing whether to leap for joy or cry from astonishment; I chose to smile and walk away.   

If I never hear “I love you” from him again, at least, I had that one moment that he was able to say it to me.  Those words have etched a place in my heart that will always be treasured.   I’m very grateful  and blessed for being able to share it before it was too late.

What to write about?  That is the question that leaves me bewildered.  I guess that should be the clue-in and not write anything.  If nothing comes to mind, then why bother to put my fingers to such strenuous exercise?  Perhaps, my mind needs to explore and my thoughts need to be jarred.  This is a healthy outlet for me.  You can be at total ease by releasing all frustrations with the ease of typing a few simple words.  I don’t have to worry about responses or feedback.  This blog thing has been somewhat therapeutic for me.  Everyone uses it differently and everyone has their own, unique writing style.  As for me, I use it as a healthy release to my stifled thought process.  What you read is what you get. 

This blog has been my daily diary (when I’ve found the time to let loose and type).  Thankful for not having someone read what I’ve chosen to discuss and feel that I’ve offended them in some way.  The purpose for my blog is an outlet.  This is much cheaper than hiring a professional mental expert.    

Haven’t gotten comfortable with writing about anything controversial yet.  In due time, I am sure that I will.   I’ve been too exhausted to argue at this point.  My sinus headache has prevented me from crossing that hurdle.  Maybe, next time….. 

Where to begin….I have no clue?  Have you ever had a day that you found nothing to inspire you to write?  The week has passed by so slowly.  My job seems to have come to a complete standstill.  That is life in the transportation business.  The holidays are extremely crazy and hectic.  As soon as January rolls around, the loads are not as plentiful or in such high demand.  I enjoy the down time after such chaotic, craziness for a couple of months.  It is difficult to switch gears when the demand for trucks change in the spring. 

It is crazy with the increasing cost of fuel these days and customers expecting to haul the freight for absolute chump change.  There are so many transportation companies that have quoted cheap rates to customers and it makes it difficult to keep the trucks moving with the cheap freight.  If everyone banned together and refused to haul it for the ridiculous prices….it could make a difference and possibly change things for the better.  The transportation business is in such turmoil right now. 

It seems that every election year, you see the roller coaster ride.  People are scared of bidding and ordering freight.  Tax time is around the corner and it just puts everything in a real tizzy.  If I haven’t said it before, I will say it now….I LOVE MY JOB.  Really, it isn’t that bad.  There are some wonderful guys that drive for me and I’m truly grateful for them.  At times, I get bombarded with multiple complaints that are out of my control.  However, I must take the time for them.  I know that their job is a difficult one.  I prefer not having the job as a truck driver.  First, I enjoy sleeping in my bed every night that doesn’t move (without idle air).  Second, I love being able to take my son to school, pick him up from school and spend every evening listening to his daily happenings.  Third, I prefer to be able to walk around the office while being attached to phone and computer as opposed to being confined to a driver’s seat.  Fourth, I like to know my exact destination (my sense of direction is horrible).  I would be lost 99.9% of the time.  The world is a better place without me on the road behind the wheel of a big rig…..trust me.

I cannot believe that in a few hours….it will be 2008.  It seems that each year passes quicker than the year before.  I guess that is due to the age process.  I recall my father always saying that it seemed like only yesterday that he was changing my diapers.   I feel myself saying the same thing to my son.  The next thing you know, I will be bawling my eyes out when my son reaches adulthood and wants to leave the nest.  Although, I do look forward to becoming a grandparent (not wishing my life away or anything).  I just believe that I would be a better grandmother as opposed to being a mother.  Looking back at all the mistakes that I’ve made, I possibly could turn things around and make them better for the next generation…who knows?

As for wanting to be a better person to  my future grandchildren, I am hoping to be a better christian, mother, friend, daughter, niece, sister, grandchild, employee , etc. for the 2008 year.  I want to live, laugh and love to the fullest degree.   In trying to become a better person, I want to learn to be more patient, tolerant and less judgmental.  Anyone that knows me, knows that I have a tough time trusting anyone.   Hopefully, I could be more trusting in 2008 as well.    I will definitely work on that one.

I am so thankful that I survived another year.  Wishing everyone a wonderful 2008!  Hoping that all your wishes, dreams and resolutions come true for you as well.   

My uncle had a successful surgery and was released from the hospital this afternoon.  The doc said that he needed to lose some weight and start excercising.  It is difficult to try to start an exercise program after the fattening holidays.  I know that I was stuffed more than the actual turkey that sat before me on Christmas day.  I love to eat and everyone in my family seems to enjoy it as well.  It is one of my favorite past times.   

Wooow, I guess I got off track.  As you can tell, I have trouble staying focused on one subject. Believe me, I write the way that I talk.  There are very few people that can keep up with my conversations.  The people closest to me have developed a sense of understanding to my ramblings or they have found a way to ignore it.  

Back to the subject of my uncle, I believe that he is part cat and has nine lives.  He has been through so much in his life; however, he stands strong and presses on.  Out of all my family members, I seem to be closest to him.  He can get on my nerves and get my feathers ruffled faster than you could shake a stick; however, I love him with all my heart.   He could blame the world for his misfortunes, but he willfully takes ownership of his failed marriages, alcoholism, etc. 

After an AA meeting that I attended with him last summer, I let him know that he was the reason that I chose not to drink.  I have drank with the best of them and back in the day, I could put some liquor away.  I just never let myself  let the liquor take control of me.  Upon realization of  being a control freak, I grew up and moved on.  Alcohol was not the solution to any of my problems.  Who needed a drink when you had some food in the pantry? ha  I know that alcoholism is a disease and I’m thankful for not having to suffer from it.  I’ve witnessed the dt’s, convulsions, vomiting….that allowed me to chose a different path. 

Today, my uncle is well.  Hopefully, he will take it one day at a time and get stronger.  We may have to meet up and start an excercise program.  I thank God that I have him in my life.  He is a wonderful man with a heart the size of Texas.   Well, I believe that I’ve rambled on enough for one blog.  Until next time…… 

Thought that I should get back to the blogging scene that I have neglected for the past month.  Yes, I am back in the saddle.  The keyboard represents my reigns.  YIPPIE YI YIPPIE YO….here we go.  This time of year is so hectic for me. Last month, I was busy with the Support the Troops campaign for my son’s school.  My work schedule was crazy as well.  Transportation and the holiday season means heavy workload to say the least.  

 It is hard to believe that today was Christmas.  I hope that everyone had a special day.  I am so thankful for the time that was spent with my family.  My uncle will be having open heart surgery tomorrow at the VA Hospital in Little Rock, AR.  He dropped by with his son, Jon.  He will be in my thoughts and prayers.  I am so thankful that he has turned his life around.  I have seen so many changes in his lifestyle the past few months.  He is a recovering alcoholic with a colored past.  All the damage that he has done has been to himself.  I love him dearly and it is wonderful to see the changes in him. 

Our family spent the day looking at old photo albums and talking about our special memories.  I don’t want to sound mushy or anything, but it felt more memorable and special than any of the past Christmas holidays.  I am very grateful and thankful for my wonderful family and friends.  I am truly blessed.