As Tonya’s World Turns

For the past few months, it has been exhausting to keep up with my schedule. It feels like I’m being pulled in a zillion different directions. I’ve literally been spinning my wheels and getting absolutely nothing accomplished. The only time that I can find peace of mind is resting behind a paintbrush. Yes, it sounds crazy to find pleasure with painting the walls.

I found myself relaxing behind the lawn mower on Wednesday. Finding serenity with the sounds of the motor blasting out all the unwanted phone calls and other worries weighing on my mind. Everything has gotten on my nerves lately and I haven’t had any patience at all. I used to smoke a cigarette to take the edge off. Since I’ve quit the nasty habit, my life has been turned upside down with total chaos. I’ve found the solution of losing myself in home improvement tasks rather than killing myself with cancer sticks.

I find myself getting easily annoyed with my son. The numerous questions concerning who is better than so and so on a certain NFL team, why is such an such doing this or that, etc. asked by him seem to be driving me up the wall. Getting to the root of the problem is what I need to be doing. Rather than yelling at my son to stop asking me so many questions that I could care less about—I need to resolve some inner issues. Why do we take out our frustrations on the people that we care most for? Screaming, crying or pulling out my hair won’t stop me from being annoyed. I guess I’ll stick to the home improvement tasks. Eventually, my being annoyed will soon pass.

No one likes to listen to someone complain about their aches and pains. So, I am going to unleash my “pain” garbage by blogging about it. Spent the weekend painting my kitchen and living room. Poly-urethaned my cabinets and hearth. After moving all the furniture (cleaning underneath and behind each piece), conditioning the leather sofa and chairs, dusting and vacuuming—–I was more than exhausted. Still haven’t finished painting one strip of the wall that is above my fireplace. I’ll accomplish that task this weekend hopefully. It depends on whether or not I feel like it.

Managed to conquer some of my home improvement goals while I was on weekend duty with my job. I was bothered several times with having to climb down from my ladder to answer the phone. I became aggrevated with some of the driver’s calls that were total nonsense. Aside from feeling tension in my shoulders, leg cramps and irritation in the right wrist—I managed to get a cold or something of that nature. I lost my voice a couple of days ago. Needless to say, I’ve felt lousy this week.

Talked to my dad for quite some time last night. The man is so lost without the companionship of my step-mom, Kat. He told me that he couldn’t explain what he was feeling. He is miserable and depressed. I’ve been visiting him on the weekends. Failed to see him this weekend due to Treyton being sick. I took advantage of being at home and cleaned my house (as seen in previous post).

It is difficult to find the proper thing to say. I’ve never lost a spouse to death…maybe, that is my reason for not marrying. It is impossible for me to relate to that sort of loss. After my grandmother died, I felt empty and relieved at the same time. The woman would nearly squeeze you into when she pulled you in for a hug. She always greeted and departed with a bear hug. The only person that can come close to hugging like her is my dad. Grandma had more biblical knowledge than anyone that I’ve encountered. She continuously recited scriptures and doodled them on paper as well. Although we had our differences, I loved her deeply. I’m grateful that she no longer has to suffer from cancer. The realization that she was gone and that we would no longer be able to share stories was painful; however, I was truly content with her passing. Don’t get me wrong, I still get choked up thinking about her. I miss her, but I do know that she is with God. What could be better than that? Absolutely, nothing.

My dad had difficulties coping with my grandmother’s death as well. After dreaming of his mother wearing a beautiful pink dress being led away by three angels, he found peace with his loss. He said that it may sound crazy, but he knew that she was in heaven because his dream was so real. I wish that he could have a dream like that with Kat.

It takes time to heal. It feels awkward talking to him about his feelings. I suggested that he attend some grief counseling sessions. If someone could relate his sort of loss, he may find some comfort. I want to be a supportive daughter and provide him the encouragement that he needs. In all my years of living, I have never seen my dad this lonely or sad. It breaks my heart. So today, I want to dedicate this blog piece to my dad—in hopes that he will soon find peace with his loss.

Since my life revolves around my son.  The sparce blog entries are sure signs that I’ve been somewhat distracted.  It has really been difficult to find the time for leisure. It is comforting to hide behind the screen and start ripping my life apart with a few key strokes.   It is therapeutic to watch my story unfold before my very eyes.  It seems almost impossible not to get distracted by a phone ringing, my son screaming, “MOM!!!,” or the dog barking.  I lose focus and forget what I want to write or say.  Not a surprise to say that I’m easily distracted.  My conversations would be classified as mere ramblings.  It feels like I’m  starting to ramble now.  It’s time to stop before I start.  Never fear,  I will be back with a fresh focus and a spicy topic.  Until then….