Archive for October, 2008

Fall Cleanup

Tuesday, October 28th, 2008

Found the perfect weekend to clean out dresser drawers and closets. The Salvation Army should love me. Managed to fill seven garbage sacks with no longer used items and placed them at the donation dumpster. I’m guilty of being a pack rat. It pains me to let go and get rid of things. Although it was hard work and I didn’t catch much of a break—I enjoyed traveling down the “past” memory road. There was a t-shirt that I had saved from the 6th grade that was discarded into the trashcan. The shirt was from the sugar and spice softball league championship. Many years later, my son wore it for his night-night shirt. It was heavily worn and had softened from the numerous washings. Why I saved it…I will never know?

As I cleaned out the linen closet, I found towels and wash cloths that were issued while serving the US Navy. If those white towels and cloths hadn’t been used since leaving the military…then, why have them taking up space? Found a maternity bra that will definitely no longer be put to use. It was crazy to find all the horded junk packed away. My dresser drawers and closets are so clean and tidy—it’s almost scary. ha

My house feels like it has lost a few hundred pounds. It will be nice to get my garage cleaned and organized. My next project will be cleaning out the storage shed. Once I have everything organized, I’m going to keep it that way (hopefully). It drives me nuts trying to find something that has been stored away or misplaced. There’s a box of letters that were written to me while I was in the military. I’ve thought long and hard about getting rid of them. No clue as to why I’ve kept them, but they will soon find the dumpster as their home. What purpose do they serve other than taking up much need space on my shelf in the garage? No one will care about any of those letters when I’m dead and gone. I keep trying to convince myself…GET RID OF UNWANTED OR UNUSED CRAP!!!! I may throw a celebration at my house when all is clean.

Guilty conscience

Thursday, October 23rd, 2008

Have you ever done something that you know that you shouldn’t have done? You become so overwhelmed with guilt. What makes you do it in the first place? If you know that you shouldn’t do it…then why go ahead and do it? Maybe, if you thought about the outcome concerning how it would effect the others…it could possibly refrain you from committing the guilty act.
I recall an old cartoon episode of Tom and Jerry, where Tom has an “angel replica” resting on a shoulder and a “devil replica” stabbing him with the torch on the other. Tom is being persuaded to be a “nicey nice cat” by the angel, while the devil wants some revenge and action from him.
From past experience, I’ve often reaped what I’ve sowed. When I’ve chosen to do something bad, it has always caught up with me in the long run. I recall dumping a guy after coming back from our senior trip. There was no explanation given to him–other than I wanted to break up. Actually, I used him to get back at the person that I truly cared about. When my “make Tony get jealous plan” back-fired, it was time to break up and move on. In my mind, I believe the next relationship that blew up in my face was a clear reflection from my previous mistake. My heart was broke and I deserved it.
We can place blame on being too young, due to lack of experience, etc. I refer to the previous as good excuses for senseless acts. I’m always trying to justify why I did this or that. I’ve watched myself repeat the same mistakes over and over. When I consiously know that I’m doing something that I will later regret—why don’t I stop it from happening? Do you go with the heart or head? The head tells you that it’s not the right thing to do and the heart is saying different. You go with the heart and have a guilty conscience. Need I say more?

My Mom

Friday, October 17th, 2008

Since my step-mother’s recent passing….I’ve had numerous thoughts reflecting the relationship with my mother. My mother has more strength and tenacity than words could possibly describe. She is the backbone of our family. Although she was the “baby” of the family, everyone has always leaned toward my mother for proper guidance and sound advice. You may not always want to listen to what she has to say, but at least, you know where she stands and what her thoughts are.

My grandmother, Nettie, died when my mother was a young child. To this day, she still cries at the mere mentioning of my gradmother. Mom slept with her until the day she was killed by a drunk driver. Later in life, my mom explained the reasoning behind not allowing me to sleep with her when I was scared. She said,”It was the hardest thing for me to get over losing my mom and not having her to sleep with.” She vowed that she would never put one of her kids through that sort of loss and abandonment. I thought that she was the most calloused woman when I was younger. I constantly begged her to go to bed with me until I fell asleep (due to being scared of the peeping tom, Old Lady Arnold). She never once gave into my pleas. After becoming a mother myself, I vowed to be the total opposite. I allowed my son to sleep with me. Was it the wisest move on my part? I’d have to honestly answer that it was not the best decision that I made.

She has always been the provider and caretaker of our family. Being raised on a small farm in Delaney, she was always working in the field or on the farm with the animals. At an early age, she knew what “hard work” meant and she instilled that into her children. She reminded us that idle hands were the devils’ workshop. One summer she had my sister and I digging up rocks and disposing of them. My sister and I tossed the rocks out in the street. My mother drove in from work that evening and about had a stroke. She screamed at us,”Everyone is going to think that the Clampets moved into town! Do you think that these rocks are going to mysteriously dissolve on their own?” We were order to go to the street and remove the rocks immediately. The following summer, she supplied us with spoon handles to remove dandelions from our yard. I know that it sounds like total nonsense and while not understanding the logic behind the ridiculous chores at a younger age. I’ve grown to appreciate her “goofy chores.” Nothing in life is free, you must work for it. Mom made sure that we understood her work philosophy.
She can still out work her kids and grandchildren. She is on the constant move. No one can keep up with her. The woman’s house is immaculate….you could eat off of her floor and never think twice about it. The neighbor’s have often commented,”We have never seen anyone wash the floor of the garage and driveway like she does. If we sweep it, we have accomplished something.” As my son often refers to her as being “the neat freak.”

Aside from being a dedicated aunt, mother, sister—she has been the most supportive grandmother. I can’t remember my mother leaving us to go anywhere except for work. We stayed at the babysitter’s until my sister was old enough to watch after me. She always held a steady job and often worked at two jobs. We didn’t take glamorous vacations or spend wildly on lavious garments. As mom would tell us,”We’re not trying to keep up with Jones’s.” We lived within our means and nothing beyond. She was much more lax after the grandchildren come along. She is always spending above and beyond for the grandchildren. If they want a certain shoe, brand of pants or a shirt that has to have a certain feel….she’ll break her neck to find exactly what they want. I call it “cobbing” and she calls it being a grandma. When the oldest grand son started walkiing, I’ll never forget watching our stepfather placing him on the kitchen table. Levi loved to hear his new shoes make a “slapping noise” on the wood surface. He clapped joyfully at his noisy clomping as I sat in total disbelief. You would have never convinced me that my mother would allow something of that nature on top of her kitchen table, if I had not witnessed it firsthand. When we were small, my sister and I were never allowed to jump on the beds. We thought it was a treat to go to our cousins’ house and jump crazy like monkies. I have photos that my mother has taken of the grandkids jumping on the bed. I guess as she became older, she grew softer as well. I’ve often teased her that she thought more of her grandkids and that she thought of her actual kids. She would explain that they were separate kind of loves. She said, “You can spoil the grandkids and send them home. I had to live with you kids and it was different.” I’m thankful that she was not as strict with them as she was with us. The more you tightened the reigns with me, the more I wanted to rebel. I believe that my child will have the same “lovely” characteristic. Mom always says,”You are going to pay for your raising with that child.” Believe you me, I already know. I couldn’t have a child anymore like me than if they had cloned him from me. There is no denying who he belongs to. My mother has always been proud that she has a grandson that favors her side of the family. All of the grandsons are fair complected and light headed. Treyton sticks out like a diamond in a goats’ butt–he has the dark hair and the facial features of the Shackelfords.

Last but not least, my mother has always been a born fighter. When she was younger, my mother ate lye. It nearly ate her tongue from her mouth; however, she didn’t have a speech impedement. You would have never known her defective tongue unless you saw her try to stick it out. I’ll never forget witnessing her pounce the poop out of her husband’s ex-wife. Dorothy had pulled out of Bomart’s and followed us to Durham. She passed us and slammed on her breaks in front of us. Back in those days, there was no seatbelt law and I went flying into the truck’s dashboard. I’ve witnessed my mother being angry on several occasions; however, lunatical, raging, stomping mad is how I’d describe her on this particular day. Mom and Dorothy duked it out with hair pulling, scratching, punching and kicking. No doubt about it, mom was the clear winner of that scuffle. She definitely laid down a can of whoop ass on her. I was impressed with her strength for such a small woman. I couldn’t tell you how many people have told me that they wouldn’t want to get my mother on their bad side. I don’t blame them…it’s not a pretty sight. She has a mighty bark and bite. The woman is tough as a boot and quite a little scrapper.

My mom is the most loving, supportive, dedicated and hard-working woman that I’ve ever known. We may not always see things eye to eye, but I value her opinion above anyone’s. I may not always please her with my actions, but she has always been the most supportive regardless of what I’ve done. I may not enjoy having to listen to a lecture from her, but if she was not around—-I’d miss her like no other. We talk to each other at least twice a day if not more. As she says,”You could count on your one hand and not fill it up with the true friends you have in life.” She is absolutely correct. I’m thankful that I can call her my friend as well as my mother.

Winning versus Losing

Thursday, October 16th, 2008

Tonight will be the last night of football practice for this season. Treyton is so excited that they are going to be scrimmaging the Chiefs. We played against the Shiloh Saints on Tuesday night. The team consisted of 4th graders that looked like professionals compared to our Titan team. We finally scored a touchdown!!! I’m not sure whether the opposing team’s coach requested his team to allow it or not. ha Seriously, we are improving by leaps and bounds compared to the first of the season. In all fairness, the majority of the kids had never played football. As long as the kids are having fun and playing with all their hearts, that is all that matters.

Some of the parents that have kids who previously played for other teams are disappointed in the losing streak. In comarison, to being on a winning team with coaches that take the kid’s football program too seriously versus a losing team with compassionate coaches—I’d chose the losing team. Kids grow up too quick and they need to have fun with the game. They will have plenty of opportunity being screamed at and degraded once they approach the teen and college years.

Our team has struggled with kids not showing up for practices or not wanting to play on a losing team–so they decide to quit. As parents, what sort of message are we sending to our children? The more you practice…the more you learn. We should encourage them to be part of the “team.” Life is not all about winning. Thank goodness, my son has experienced both winning and losing. Last season, he cried his eyes out about losing all of his games. After witnessing poor sportsmanship from his winning team this summer, he has changed his attitude. Treyton let me know that it didn’t bother him to lose because he was able to play both quarters and he was giving it his all. He said that all of his team mates got along and encouraged each other.
As the season comes to a close on Saturday, it will be somewhat disappointing. Watching these kids give 100% of themselves in practices and see their remarkable improvement from the first of the season, I’ve come to enjoy. I’ll miss visiting with the other parents as well. Until next season……

Playing catch-up

Wednesday, October 15th, 2008

OCTOBER 10,2008

This has been an extremely craaazzzy year for me. Had every intention to keep my blog updated with the daily comings and goings. However, I’ve found myself exhausted from all of it and not in the proper mindset to share in the blog. Since work has slowed, I’ve decided to spend the lunchbreak updating the daily chronicles of my lifely woes.

After my step-father’s heart attack this summer, we spent several days doing the family scene. Thankfully, he has had a speedy recovery. I’ve been involved with Treyton’s summer and fall league football. Needless to say, we have spent several hours devoted to the sport. Treyton’s summer league won the championship. Sorry to say…that his fall league team has not won a game all season. Hopefully, they can at least score a touchdown before the season ends next week. My summer was a whirlwind that has swiftly run into a repeat for the fall season as well. My step-mother passed away on Monday (my grandfather’s birthday). I spent last week dealing with funeral arrangements and my father’s grief.

Aside from the daily chores, being a taxi service for my son, working an 8-5 job and keeping my head above water—-things are just peachy. Can you detect sarcasm? Don’t get me wrong, I really do love my life and would not want to change a thing. I’m the type of person that needs to be involved in craziness. If my life was normal, it would seriously make me go bonkers. Although, some would say that I’m already bonkers. I still feel that there is a tinge of sanity that I’ve kept stored for a rainy day.

Old Lady Arnold

Wednesday, October 15th, 2008

The woman has weighed on my mind like a ton of bricks today. Since I’ve been taking chantix to kick the smoking habit, I’ve had vivid dreams that are so life-like. I woke up thinking about this bizarre woman and hopefully I’ll put her to rest after typing about her.

Old Lady Arnold was a peculiar creature that lived in our neighborhood. She was a german grau that walked the streets at night packing a revolver. Often seen jetting through the night, wearing nothing but an army jacket. The woman would sleep all day and prowl in the evening. In the summer, you’d find her pushing her lawnmower sporting a tiger-striped bathing suit, her head wrapped in a turben, wearing cowboy boots that didn’t fit her feet properly. She would make strange hissing noises as you walked or rode past her while she was outdoors. No one was allowed on her property and she posted signs stating the fact.

As a child, I remember waking to her peering through my window. She had the coldest, blackest eyes that I’ve ever peered into. As she smiled, I screamed bloody murder. I’ve always had a set of lungs on me and my parents come running to my bedroom. My dad sporting his tighty whities went barrelling outside after telling him about my peeping tom experience. She was long gone by the time that he approached the outdoors. I had nightmares for weeks and pleaded with my parents to let me sleep with them or vice versa. Fortunately, I was able to sneak into my older sister’s room and sleep with her. Finally, my mother had gotten some curtains for my window that were not sheer. I slept uneasy for several months, but eventually, I forgot about Old Lady Arnold’s nightly appearance.

My father tried to catch her in the act by setting up a booby trap for her behind our house. He strung rope and cans all over our backyard. Unfortunately, he captured himself one evening. A dog was curious with the ghastly sight and the cans sounded off. My dad raced outside and entangled himself as well. My mother pitched a fit and the booby trap sadly came down.

Our last encounter with the woman was when she walked into my mother’s work and threatened her about our family dog, Jiggers. She confronted my mom that our dog was pooping in her yard and she was not going to stand for it. My mom asked her how she knew it was our dog’s poop….was she a poop inspector? Old Lady Arnold and mom exchanged some barbs and the old lady left in a huff. Needless to say, you are never going to argue with my mother and win. A few days after the encounter, Jiggers went missing. We all assumed that “she” was responsible for our missing dog. I pleaded for my parents to confront her. My mom said that the more you stir a turd, the more it stinks. She said that if she was responsible, she would never openly admit to it. It was one of the saddest moments in my life. Our first dog gone without a trace. My neighbor buddy, Trent, and I played Sherlock Holmes. We snooped every evening after school, as we hid in the field behind her yard and spied on her every move. When all hope was lost in ever seeing my dog, Jiggers again……alas!!! Jiggers came back from who knows where one evening. It was one of the best moments in my life. I couldn’t even begin to explain how much I loved that dog. Our family was ecstatic about Jigger’s return. In the back of my mind, I wondered if the old german grau was responsible for his mysterious departure and return. Who knows??? I just know that this was a creepy woman that taunted my childhood. Why do I still think of her today? Thanks to the chantex and the realistic dreams that brought her memory to me today. Hopefully, the memories of Old Lady Arnold will be put to rest with the closure of this blog.

Leaves, leaves and more leaves

Tuesday, October 14th, 2008

Changed the background to a scenery that I despise. What was the purpose? Perhaps, I needed a reminder that there is actual beauty in leaves. No one would know this from looking at the trees in my yard. My trees have been “neutered” as one of my previous neighbors would relate to my tree trimming. Shelby would always tell me that I would never find a suitable man due to my castration methods involving the outdoor pruning. She said that a man would take one look at my trees and bushes—-they’d take off running for fear that I’d butcher them with the clippers. Maybe, there is some truth in that…ha.

Informed Missy of my change in blog scenery. She instantly asked what I had changed it to and I replied, “Fall leaves.” Knowing me so well, she asked why I changed it to something that I did not like. I let her know that I was trying to go with the season and needed some sort of change. Missy knows me so well when it comes to my discontentment for leaves. I made her promise that when I died…she would make sure that she’d take a leaf blower to my graveside. Either they are distracting due to the loud scrunching noises or they are stuck to the bottom of your shoe due to the dampness. If there was a leaf phobia—-I guess that I’d have to admit to having it. They absolutely annoy the heck out of me when they are flying around loosely on the ground. I prefer that they remain attached to their limbs (all year long).

Acceptance of single life

Monday, October 13th, 2008

Where to begin? I’ve been mulling over the past loves of my life. Wondering if I’d allow myself to be that vulnerable again–being able to fall in love again. Recently, I’ve been told that I’m a difficult person to love. My ex informed me that he didn’t give us a chance. He confronted me with his feelings which left me dumb-founded. From past experience, I refuse to go back and revisit the pain. My first love; however, I welcomed the chance to try the ” us” again. What made me want him back when we miserably failed one another? What made him worth a second chance? I guess it may have been the lack of maturity and being in-experienced with life that allowed myself to be humiliated by him. We were not right for each other, but I do still think of him and wonder to myself…what if???
I dusted myself off from that experience and jumped into a disaster from the get-go….wedding plans with Terry. It was like a soap opera experience….meeting each other in a crowded room and our eyes locking into one another. I didn’t hold anything back from him. He knew me inside and out. We were the best of friends and shared everything. He screwed up by bringing a stripper back from the bachelor party. He shattered my heart into a thousand pieces. I vowed that I would never allow myself to be hurt like that again. The real kicker is that he actually ended up marrying the stripper. Later, he let me know that he married her because he wanted to upset me. It was more like humiliate me. He apologized and let me know that he would always care for me. WHOOPIE!!! It really burned my hide to know that he could just screw with my life like that. Thankfully, I moved away and we no longer correspond. I longed for a clean slate after that lovely experience.

Stupid me, jump head first into a relationship that spelled D-I-S-A-S-T-E-R from the beginning. I fall for a guy that called me a “bitch” when he first met me. How idiotic can I be? He was everything that I didn’t like in a person….egotistical, cocky, etc… He was special to me. We shared so much of ourselves. My family and friends didn’t approve…that should have been the first clue that we were doomed and didn’t have a chance. He was younger than me and I’ve never been attracted to anyone that was younger than myself. We brought out the demons in on another. Now, that we are older and ten years down the line….I actually enjoy our conversations. I’ve truly missed our heartfelt talks. Don’t get me wrong, I would not and could not go back to that scenario. I guess I’m linked to him due to having a child with him. We will always be linked together because of Treyton. What makes him different from anyone else? The bond of sharing a child together? I just know that I don’t want to set myself up for future heart ache in the future. Can I allow myself to be involved with someone new? It is a huge risk and judging from my past track record…….I should remain single. I don’t want to be old and alone, but I definitely don’t want to continue down the same path of heartbreak. I am not much of a relationship person. However, I do want to love so bad that it hurts. I want the butterflies and heart skips. I want it all, but I’m not willing to set myself up for failure. I’d rather be alone than hurt like that again. Call me a coward or chicken. I’d rather be accepted as those compared to that of a repeat ninny who fails miserably in the relationship department.