Since my grandfather has been hospitalized, I have found no extra time to write a post.  I chose to lose myself in typing a blog post this evening. 

It is difficult to watch someone that you love suffering.  One never realizes what an impact that a grandparent can leave upon one’s life.  Over the past few weeks, I have truly been able to see how my grandfather has made an impact on my life.  During my 36 years of life, never have I heard the words, “I love you,” leave my grandfather’s lips.  However, I did hear those words for the first time  in my life, a few days ago.  I shared the treasured moment with my father and his response was that he had never been told, “I love you” from my grandfather as well.  My father explained that he always told us (daughters) that he loved us, due to the fact that he wasn’t told as a child or an adult.  My grandmother was totally opposite in declaring her love to all of us.  Never did I leave their house or end a phone conversation with her without the “I love you” trailing behind.  I know that it is difficult for some to express their love as opposed to others.  I don’t take the words, “I love you” lightly.  With my family, it is easy to say the words and truly mean them from the bottom of my heart.  I don’t know whether it is the age generation or whether my grandfather’s parents didn’t tell him that they loved him.  For whatever reason, I had no idea that it bugged me until he told me that he loved me for the first time.  So many times have I left with kissing his forehead and telling him that I loved him …receiving silence or some mumbled words to follow.  To hear the words, “I love you” returned felt like pure magic to my ears.  Dumbfounded at first, then I felt my heart softening.  Not knowing whether to leap for joy or cry from astonishment; I chose to smile and walk away.   

If I never hear “I love you” from him again, at least, I had that one moment that he was able to say it to me.  Those words have etched a place in my heart that will always be treasured.   I’m very grateful  and blessed for being able to share it before it was too late.

What to write about?  That is the question that leaves me bewildered.  I guess that should be the clue-in and not write anything.  If nothing comes to mind, then why bother to put my fingers to such strenuous exercise?  Perhaps, my mind needs to explore and my thoughts need to be jarred.  This is a healthy outlet for me.  You can be at total ease by releasing all frustrations with the ease of typing a few simple words.  I don’t have to worry about responses or feedback.  This blog thing has been somewhat therapeutic for me.  Everyone uses it differently and everyone has their own, unique writing style.  As for me, I use it as a healthy release to my stifled thought process.  What you read is what you get. 

This blog has been my daily diary (when I’ve found the time to let loose and type).  Thankful for not having someone read what I’ve chosen to discuss and feel that I’ve offended them in some way.  The purpose for my blog is an outlet.  This is much cheaper than hiring a professional mental expert.    

Haven’t gotten comfortable with writing about anything controversial yet.  In due time, I am sure that I will.   I’ve been too exhausted to argue at this point.  My sinus headache has prevented me from crossing that hurdle.  Maybe, next time….. 

Where to begin….I have no clue?  Have you ever had a day that you found nothing to inspire you to write?  The week has passed by so slowly.  My job seems to have come to a complete standstill.  That is life in the transportation business.  The holidays are extremely crazy and hectic.  As soon as January rolls around, the loads are not as plentiful or in such high demand.  I enjoy the down time after such chaotic, craziness for a couple of months.  It is difficult to switch gears when the demand for trucks change in the spring. 

It is crazy with the increasing cost of fuel these days and customers expecting to haul the freight for absolute chump change.  There are so many transportation companies that have quoted cheap rates to customers and it makes it difficult to keep the trucks moving with the cheap freight.  If everyone banned together and refused to haul it for the ridiculous prices….it could make a difference and possibly change things for the better.  The transportation business is in such turmoil right now. 

It seems that every election year, you see the roller coaster ride.  People are scared of bidding and ordering freight.  Tax time is around the corner and it just puts everything in a real tizzy.  If I haven’t said it before, I will say it now….I LOVE MY JOB.  Really, it isn’t that bad.  There are some wonderful guys that drive for me and I’m truly grateful for them.  At times, I get bombarded with multiple complaints that are out of my control.  However, I must take the time for them.  I know that their job is a difficult one.  I prefer not having the job as a truck driver.  First, I enjoy sleeping in my bed every night that doesn’t move (without idle air).  Second, I love being able to take my son to school, pick him up from school and spend every evening listening to his daily happenings.  Third, I prefer to be able to walk around the office while being attached to phone and computer as opposed to being confined to a driver’s seat.  Fourth, I like to know my exact destination (my sense of direction is horrible).  I would be lost 99.9% of the time.  The world is a better place without me on the road behind the wheel of a big rig…..trust me.

I cannot believe that in a few hours….it will be 2008.  It seems that each year passes quicker than the year before.  I guess that is due to the age process.  I recall my father always saying that it seemed like only yesterday that he was changing my diapers.   I feel myself saying the same thing to my son.  The next thing you know, I will be bawling my eyes out when my son reaches adulthood and wants to leave the nest.  Although, I do look forward to becoming a grandparent (not wishing my life away or anything).  I just believe that I would be a better grandmother as opposed to being a mother.  Looking back at all the mistakes that I’ve made, I possibly could turn things around and make them better for the next generation…who knows?

As for wanting to be a better person to  my future grandchildren, I am hoping to be a better christian, mother, friend, daughter, niece, sister, grandchild, employee , etc. for the 2008 year.  I want to live, laugh and love to the fullest degree.   In trying to become a better person, I want to learn to be more patient, tolerant and less judgmental.  Anyone that knows me, knows that I have a tough time trusting anyone.   Hopefully, I could be more trusting in 2008 as well.    I will definitely work on that one.

I am so thankful that I survived another year.  Wishing everyone a wonderful 2008!  Hoping that all your wishes, dreams and resolutions come true for you as well.   

My uncle had a successful surgery and was released from the hospital this afternoon.  The doc said that he needed to lose some weight and start excercising.  It is difficult to try to start an exercise program after the fattening holidays.  I know that I was stuffed more than the actual turkey that sat before me on Christmas day.  I love to eat and everyone in my family seems to enjoy it as well.  It is one of my favorite past times.   

Wooow, I guess I got off track.  As you can tell, I have trouble staying focused on one subject. Believe me, I write the way that I talk.  There are very few people that can keep up with my conversations.  The people closest to me have developed a sense of understanding to my ramblings or they have found a way to ignore it.  

Back to the subject of my uncle, I believe that he is part cat and has nine lives.  He has been through so much in his life; however, he stands strong and presses on.  Out of all my family members, I seem to be closest to him.  He can get on my nerves and get my feathers ruffled faster than you could shake a stick; however, I love him with all my heart.   He could blame the world for his misfortunes, but he willfully takes ownership of his failed marriages, alcoholism, etc. 

After an AA meeting that I attended with him last summer, I let him know that he was the reason that I chose not to drink.  I have drank with the best of them and back in the day, I could put some liquor away.  I just never let myself  let the liquor take control of me.  Upon realization of  being a control freak, I grew up and moved on.  Alcohol was not the solution to any of my problems.  Who needed a drink when you had some food in the pantry? ha  I know that alcoholism is a disease and I’m thankful for not having to suffer from it.  I’ve witnessed the dt’s, convulsions, vomiting….that allowed me to chose a different path. 

Today, my uncle is well.  Hopefully, he will take it one day at a time and get stronger.  We may have to meet up and start an excercise program.  I thank God that I have him in my life.  He is a wonderful man with a heart the size of Texas.   Well, I believe that I’ve rambled on enough for one blog.  Until next time…… 

Thought that I should get back to the blogging scene that I have neglected for the past month.  Yes, I am back in the saddle.  The keyboard represents my reigns.  YIPPIE YI YIPPIE YO….here we go.  This time of year is so hectic for me. Last month, I was busy with the Support the Troops campaign for my son’s school.  My work schedule was crazy as well.  Transportation and the holiday season means heavy workload to say the least.  

 It is hard to believe that today was Christmas.  I hope that everyone had a special day.  I am so thankful for the time that was spent with my family.  My uncle will be having open heart surgery tomorrow at the VA Hospital in Little Rock, AR.  He dropped by with his son, Jon.  He will be in my thoughts and prayers.  I am so thankful that he has turned his life around.  I have seen so many changes in his lifestyle the past few months.  He is a recovering alcoholic with a colored past.  All the damage that he has done has been to himself.  I love him dearly and it is wonderful to see the changes in him. 

Our family spent the day looking at old photo albums and talking about our special memories.  I don’t want to sound mushy or anything, but it felt more memorable and special than any of the past Christmas holidays.  I am very grateful and thankful for my wonderful family and friends.  I am truly blessed.

The day was a blurrrrrrrrr….the phone rang non-stop.  Drivers calling with their headaches of being held up at a customer, not getting unloaded in a timely manner, unable to get to a destination and having to cut through a church yard (leaving the grounds rutted from an 18-wheeler), waiting hours for a trailer to dry due to having to wash it out from all the debris of a 4 drop nursery load, and the list goes on and on.  My occupation should be an overpaid babysitter versus being a truck broker.  Day in and day out…I must listen to whining, moaning, groaning and griping.  Tomorrow, I would love to have one of my drivers call me with an upbeat attitude and have an earful of cheer.  I might actually enjoy picking up the receiver (without dread).  As for today, I am going to turn my home and cell phone off, crawl into bed and wish there was no such thing as a telephone. 

The weather has dampened my spirits.  Dark grey skies, drizzling rain and bone-chilling winds really can make a person get depressed.   I have been consumed with sadness all day.  The last time that we had weather similar to this, was the day, in which we attended  James’ funeral.

My son and I lost a dear friend last month.  Today, I have been constantly thinking of him.  James had the best personality.  He could always take a negative and turn it into a positive.   Due to  unfortunate circumstances concerning his health, he died at an early age of 21.   James had a great laugh and a quirky sense of humor.  He is truly missed by everyone.  I watched him grow up and change into a fine young man.  My son considered him one of his best friends.   Our hearts were broken when he died and it is taking time to heal.  We pass by his parent’s home and see his car parked in the driveway….it is a constant reminder that he is truly gone.  We have numerous “James” stories and lots of memories to treasure.   I was truly blessed to have him in my life as well as Treyton’s life.  He made our world a happier place. 

Have you ever had one of those days that you should have never gotten out of bed?  My son is like a bull in a china cabinet.  I spent the entire day trying to repair all that was broken.  First rattle out of the box, my son bumped my bedroom wall with the vacuum cleaner nozzle and I heard this horrific crash.  Tearing into my room, I discovered that my votive cup was shattered into millions of slivers (along with a huge scrape down the wall from which my sconce scraped).  My son stood silently waiting for the loud scream that would soon follow.  

Secondly,  my son was eating french fries in the living room.  I have no clue as to how the ketchup landed on the carpet.  I guess that a martian from Mars mysteriously dropped it.  My son would not take ownership of the mishap after the first fiasco.  I grab the carpet shampoo & try vigorously to get the stain free.  The shampoo bottle does not want to work with me….the spray top breaks.   After a few choice words, I slam it down.  Luckily, some shampoo oozes from the can.  The stain is removed after all the chaos.

Ending the evening, my son decides to pick up his football and toss it around.   He decides to throw the football at my head as I am passing by the refrigerator.  My head hits the refrigerator (WHIP LASH!!!) and my cookie jar takes a jolt.  Luckily, the fat chef didn’t break.  I cannot say much for my head and neck though. 

If I had decided to stay in bed today, look at all the excitement that I would have missed.  Days like this are truly treasured (broken glass, messy carpets and lots of crashes).  I can hardly wait to get out of bed tomorrow.